• J. Jamal

I O U

To my love.

You’ve suffered enough. Suffered for far too long, honestly. I shouldn’t have allowed you to hurt and hurt and hurt, and never heal. I shouldn’t have allowed you to run on fumes for as long as you did, clinging to the same people that were leaching every ounce of energy out of you, right along with the pieces of your love that I should have reserved for only you. i kept throwing you into the fire, assuring you that things would be different this time, when you knew better than I, that this time would end up ending the exact same way. I should’ve trusted your judgement, the same way you trusted me to protect you in this deadly game I continue to call love. You deserved so much better than I gave you. You deserve so much better than me.

Consider this a love letter. To you. My most neglected love. My most rejected love. Although, you should’ve always been my strongest, most consistent love. I didn’t realize how hard it is to love yourself until I realized how long I didnt. It took years of accepting constant disrespect, begging for love, compassion, and companionship from people who made it clear they had no intention of doing so. Rather than giving you all the love you needed, all the love you cried out for to uninterested and unwilling ears, I let you keep crying, keep hurting, keep suffering. You needed me to love you more than anything, and it took me years to do it.

You’re going to hear this a lot, but you deserve so much better than me. So much better than the nonchalant way I approached you most times. So much better than the lack of regard I showed you for decades. You sat and waited for a decade for me to finally get it right. I wasted a decade of your life and you didn’t deserve that. I owe you an apology and so much more.

So consider this the beginning of me paying that debt.

I thank you.

I love you.

I owe you.

To you.

From, you.

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